Why is life so hard
by ddvvddee
Summary: Ella has never had the most normal childhood but she never thought there was anything wrong with it. That is until she ends up in hospital with a lot of secrets that all the doctors are trying to find. Will she ever trust anyone? and will she ever reveal her secrets? Sorry for the rubbish summary... Features my OC soo enjoy It will become more casualty orientated soon please read
1. Chapter 1

I stood still as his grey eyes peered into mine. "Now you know the rules don't you Ella" he said with his usual grin. "I'm 16, I don't complain and I don't accept tips, they must be given to the boss" I reply my voice monotone. I have spent the last 9 years hiding my fear, now I'm a perfectionist. I breathe slowly to keep my pulse down and stop myself from sweating and keep my hands still and relaxed. He smiles and says "For a 13 year old you aren't half intelligent, there's an important job coming in later I have had a request for some beautiful ladies" He stokes my chin before pushing me back with his usual malicious grin. I fall back my head pounding against the skirting board with a crack; I reach back around my head and gasp as I feel a warm sticky substance on the back of my head. Slowly I stand and make my way to my room, walking with small steps as my head is spinning. Once there I sit down wipe away the blood, with my shaking hand, thankful for the rare silence, before a knock at the door interrupts my thoughts. One of the other girls named Laura walks in with a smile and says "you're up" before throwing a dress at me, " and I'd get ready if I were you" she says with a smile. I pull myself up in front of the mirror, one of 2 in the house which isn't broken; slowly with a shaking hand I apply my makeup. He walks in just as I've finished getting ready, "now there's a sight"; I'm wearing a dress with a tight fitting bodice and a long flowing skirt. He smiles before kissing his fingers and placing them on my cheek. I take a deep breath and walk towards the door keeping my head up and the smile that I keep just for this. After all this is my job …


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi I hope you enjoy this, and if your wondering the casualty characters will arrive in the next chapter. Please review i will try to update again tomorrow depending on homework...**

**Enjoy :-)**

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Keeping my head up and that stupid smirk attached to my face, I saunter into the room and see a line of men most of them slightly drunk and a lot of them regulars. But it's a guy who I don't recognise who takes hold of my wrist, "so sir I say what would you like to learn today?" I say "basic punching and kicking, knife skills, archery or I can maybe find some swords". He, the man I hate the most, has been running this for years, he has the idea that men want to learn how to fight and the best way is for them to be taught is by women. The man replies with a grin, "knife please", his voice slurs slightly. I lead him over to a wall and pick up a 6 inch blade and hand it to him, over the next 2 hours I teach him the basic and as always he needs someone to practise on. When the whistle blows I leave as quickly as possible in order to make sure no one sees the tears that fill my eyes. I never cry and I'm determined not to this time, but just like every day since I can remember there are bruises and cuts on my arms and legs . But I know that there is nothing I can do about but clean myself up hopefully be ignored for not breaking any rules. Unfortunately I must have done something wrong, because strides in and grabs my hair to pull face towards his, "you tell anyone and I will make your life hell, you get any help and I will make their lives hell as well. You know that you should introduce them to everything and offer them a drink, just get out of my sight, you know that the dogs need walking so clear out but make sure your back in 2 hours". He throws me back against the floor my head whacking against the floor my ankle twisting painfully, but I don't cower and I keep my eyes on him. He may act like the toughest guy in the world but his dogs are as soft as anything, they are a springer spaniel named Flo and a chocolate Labrador called Cookie. I walk them most days because I am the only one he can manipulate this easily. I walk through the park next to the church and decide that it must be a Sunday due to amount of people in the church, staying in the same house all day every day you tend to lose track of the days. On my way back I'm walking though an alley when my headache suddenly gets worse and my vision blurs, I fall back against the wall scraping my arms against it. The last thing I remember is a man running over when I black out…


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello princess my names Jeff and I'm a paramedic", a kindly looking man says to me while a woman paramedic tries to take my pulse. "We're going to take you to the ED ok princess so keep still". My thoughts race as I think about what he's said and what will happen to me if I get help. "No please no". I try to stand but my legs give way and Jeff catches me and lowers me back to the floor before saying, "I wouldn't be a very good paramedic if I didn't take you in so please trust us". I decide that I probably don't have much say in the matter so I just smile and nod keeping my eyes forward and trying to keep myself came and hide fear as I have done for so long. Soon after we arrive in the Ed which is a big building bustling with people, a lot more people than I'm used to. "This is Ella she at first refused treatment and giving her name, wound to the back of the head, GCS 14, BP 120/60 systolic and sats of 97" Jeff says as I'm wheeled in. although I'm trying not to show it I'm confused and afraid. Suddenly out of what seems like nowhere a man is leaning over me" hello I'm Doctor Kent but you can call me Tom". All I can think of is how those drunken men usually lean over me while 'pretending' to attack me with knives and suddenly all my composure jumps out the window and for the first time since I was 5 I cower away from him. "Whoa Tom your scaring her, I'll take this one ok" a woman says as she walks up to me. She looks into my eyes as if to reassure me and says "Hi my names Sam and it looks like I am now your doctor"…


	4. Chapter 4

"Right Ella can you tell me what happened" Sam says as she shines a torch into my eyes and takes my pulse. "I fell back against a wall and banged my head, and then I passed out" I reply keeping my voice steady and avoiding eye contact. Sam smiles and says "you know Ella if you don't tell me the truth I won't be able to treat you properly, now there is a wound on your caused by a sharp object and unless this is a new type of wall they generally aren't sharp". I give her a look and she grins, "Seriously what happened". I have my blood tested my head stitched and given CT which thankfully comes back clear. But by then I'm wearing a gown although I try to hide them it is hard not to see the bruises and cuts that create complicated patterns across my arms. Sam takes one of my hands and lifts it up to inspect my arm, "so how did you get this then" she asks "because if you are doing these to yourself then we can help". Shocked I pull my hand away, "oh so you see a young women with a few marks on her arms and you immediately jump on the self-harm bandwagon, very professional!" I exclaim, "If you must know I am just a very clumsy person ok". I can tell that she doesn't except it but she doesn't say anything apart from telling me that I am going to be kept in overnight for observation. For the first time in years I start to relax but it doesn't last long because soon, he walks in the cubicle with Sam. "Oh Ella I've been so worried you know what I said would happen if I ever lost you", to anyone else this would sound like a concerned father which is the role I assume he's playing but I know what he means. I keep my composure though and smile and nod while he talks to Sam about my injuries. I am beginning to wish he would leave because I don't know how long I can keep this act up. "Right Ella I have to go now but I will pick you up in the morning ok" he says again all smiles and I nod. As soon as he's left Sam pulls the curtain around the bed and looks me in the eye and says, "Ok you can pretend that you're not scared of him all you want and believe me you've got all the obvious bases covered but I'm a doctor and I can see that your pupils have dilated which just happens to be the one sign you can't hide, so talk to me". A tear escapes and I brush it away as if it was never there, I'm stressed I don't know what to do, I want to tell her about everything but I don't want anyone getting hurt. She stands there watching me but I stay silent …

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**What do you think? Will Ella do the right thing? or will she end up back with him? Please review it will make my day. Anyone else looking forward to casualty tomorrow cos i am!**


	5. Chapter 5

The next morning I wake up my head feeling a lot clearer, and Sam walks in, "well you seem a lot better so I'm discharging you when your father comes to pick you up" she says before checking my pulse. "He's not my father" I reply with gritted teeth, "more like stepfather". She raises her eyebrows and gives me look which says you can speak to me but once again I remain silent. A few hours later I'm at home again, "why did you get help" he screams at me. I gasp as his hand swings across and slaps my cheek knocking me backwards, I'm shocked as that's the first time he has ever purposely hurt me. "I fainted so this man called an ambulance, I tried to refuse but they forced me and I swear I said nothing" I shout in reply while standing there looking into his greys eyes with pure hate. For a few days I'm locked in my room fed with a meal a day and 3 glasses of water as a mean of punishment either for getting help or shouting back I don't know but what I do know is that I wish I had said something but am kind of glad I didn't. On the day I'm let out, he has me sitting in the kitchen hand writing business cards as a way of punishing me, when the doorbell rings. He answers it to a smiley police woman and he immediately turns around to look at me, accusing me. "Hello I'm PC Riley and I'm here to talk about the new neighbourhood watch" she says and he invites her into the lounge before coming into the kitchen to make a drink. "How could you!" he screams "you swore that you hadn't, how dare you!" He literally throws me to the floor and starts kicking and punching me I stay still and curl into a small ball hiding my face so he can't see the pain or fear he's causing me. The police woman runs in just as pulls a 10 inch kitchen knife out the rack and stabs me in the stomach. I gasp and clutch my sides as warm sticky blood runs onto the floor. PC Riley immediately pulls out her hand cuffs and arrests him and calls an ambulance while I lie writhing in pain on the floor…

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**So what do you reckon, Will Ella survive and will she tell anyone why he stabbed her? Please review and I might update again today while i count down until casualty woohoo!**


	6. Chapter 6

I blink back the tears, while I wait for the ambulance because even though I am in worst state I can think of I refuse to let myself cry. "Breathe slowly and keep still for me princess" Jeff says as they wheel me into the ambulance. I'm starting to fade when I arrive in resus; Sam looks at me and says "What happened Ella?" he grin and left out a half laugh but end up wincing as pain radiates through my body. "He stabbed me" she gives me a questioning look, as they hook me up, as though she wants me to elaborate but again I say nothing. "Right this looks like an arterial bleed so I need to cross match 8 units please and can I have an abdominal scan please" Suddenly everything around me blurs and I find myself feeling sick, "Whoa" Sam say says I narrowly miss her which my vomit. "Right I need that abdo scan now please query gastrointestinal perforation". I try to breathe steadily but my breathing increases in speed and I soon I black out.

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**Sorry for the short chapter I just wanted the next bit to be a whole chapter i will upload that later today. Anyone else want more Sam/Tom story lines on Casualty because im a bit bored of the Fletch/Aoife and Fletch/Tess storylines. Anyway please review :-)**


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up a few days later with a stabbing pain in my stomach, I groan and Sam asks, "Any pain", I make a face and nod gesturing to my stomach. "The police and social services want to talk to you about what happened". "I don't want to talk to them because he stabbed me ok that's all that happened". She comes over and sits on the corner of me bed and sighs before saying, "You know imp not really the type of person who likes to talk about how they're feeling but you know it can help and telling someone wouldn't make you weak". "You think you know everything, you think that I'm not telling anyone because that will make me look weak or because I'm afraid but believe me your wrong ok" I shout, before turning away and sighing because i know that I'm lying. I want to tell her because she is the only one I trust but I also don't want her to get hurt, he may be in police custody but he has friends who are just as horrible and most of the time worse. Everyone thinks that children will always tell someone if something is wrong because of a natural instinct to be protected but to be honest I don't feel as though I ever been a child or ever had a childhood. Thinking about this slowly brought on my tears and lying in cubicle surrounded by blue with the one person I trust at the moment I let them fall. Sam stands up and walks round the bed and stokes my hair as I let 9 years' worth of tears flow out. She looks at me and says "Ella you need to talk to someone ok, the police and social services need to know what's going on". Slowly I sit up and wipe my eyes, "I don't want to talk to them, I can't talk to them" I say and she sighs, "but I will tell you" she smiles and her face fills with relief that finally she will know what's going on. "Ok" I say, "this is my story…"

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**Ooh so what do you think her story is? I'm sorry but you will probably have to wait til tuesday to find out im afraid. And as always please review and read my new story. :-)**


	8. Chapter 8

"Ok well when I was 4 it was just me and my mum, I didn't really know my dad. My mum worked but we didn't have much money, so I went hungry a lot of the time. Then one day at school I stupidly told my teacher that I was hungry and that I hadn't had anything to eat for the last few days so then of course the teacher called social services. This scared my mum because she didn't want me to be put into care. She took me to a place she knew she could get help. We went to him", I say while looking up at her but unsure whether to go on I look down until Sam takes my hand and gives me a comforting nod. "At first it was fine we lived in a room and my mum did all the work, it didn't affect me apart from the fact I didn't go to school but then a few months after we arrived, my mum stole some money. It was one of the unsaid rules that you just didn't steal money because he fed us and kept us warm so why would we. My mum took around 3 million pounds for some reason, and she tried to run away with. The thing is that I don't even know if she was going to take me but I assume she wasn't because the last I saw of her was him and some of his mates hitting her and forcing her out. After that I started working for him the repay the apparent debt I owed. At first I just worked in the evenings with drunk men because they wouldn't notice that I was about 5. Then when I was 7 my dad turned up to try and rescue me but I let my hopes get up although inside I knew it wouldn't work. There were a lot of arguments between him and my dad and in the end all I saw was a pool of blood on the floor and my dad gone. As I got older he became more protective and suddenly my clothes got tighter. He also became more violent because he thought that I couldn't be trusted but until today I had no intention of telling anyone because although this might sound weird I actually enjoyed living like that. There was some kind of freedom and purpose that most children don't feel within their lives." I turn away feeling somehow embarrassed for all I've said even though I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted and I feel happy.

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**Soo what do you think of Ella's story? How long do you think she will be happy for? Please review and read my other story 'Army Days' Thanks :-)**


	9. Chapter 9

I lie back as Fletch comes and changes the IV which has been supplying me with all the nutrients I need for the last 2 weeks. I sigh and he looks at before saying, "Let me guess Ella Knight isn't the type of girl who likes sit around all day" I laugh and nod as Sam walks in with her eyebrows raised as if asking what's going on. "I have a severe case of boredom" I say whilst laughing. Sam smiles, puts her hand on my forehead, shakes her head before saying, "It looks serious, I'm afraid to say that the only cure is to borrow a doctor phone and headphones, complete with Wi-Fi key". She places her phone, a pair of headphones and a piece of paper down on the bed. Then her and Fletch slowly back out of the room, with Sam slowly tapping her nose. I smile because I finally feel wanted and as though even though it might sound weird that I have a family.

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**Sorry for the short but sweet chapter. I promise to upload a much longer one tomorrow. As always please review. :-)**


	10. Chapter 10

It has been to long since I have been up out of bed, so when Sam allows me to come to the staff room just to escape the cubicles I have been trapped in, I actually feel excited. I recline on the sofa in the staffroom with The Killers playing out loud. Sam smiles at my choice of music, "So you're a rock chick then?" she walks over to me and hands me a plate of toast. This is the first food I've eaten since I was stabbed and I smile, "Yea rock is so much better than the modern trash that is rap and pop, and can I just say that this is the best thing I've ever eaten". She laughs, and we both turn to see Tom walk through the door. He sees me, backs out slowly while mouthing 'sorry'. "Wait" I say, "You can come in, I'm not afraid of you or anything its just when I first came here the only people who leant over me where either drunken men with uncoordinated hands that could hit me, drunken men who held knives that they probably shouldn't have or he one person I hate the most in this world with his grey eyes which are the only thing I can ever remember that actually send a shiver down my spine". Tom looks shocked, and I just stand up and walk out the room find a quiet place and sink to the floor hugging my knees. I can feel tears in my eyes, tears that won't go away. It feels like ever since the first time I cried the tears haven't completely gone away. I feel weak and since I just blurted out to a complete stranger, the one thing I'm afraid of I just feel like I've let myself down.

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**Well we made it to the 10th chapter yay. So to celebrate the next chapter will be written from Sams point of view and then we will take it from there. Please review and be sure to tell me of any ideas you have. :-)**


	11. Chapter 11

**This chapter is from Sams point of view and thats why it is in italics. Please review as i have spent a long time on this chapter, waiting for casualty this evening. :-)**

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_ What do I do? I mean I'm not the kind of person who knows how to be emotional and comfort someone. Tom looks at me, looking slightly and shocked and quite uncomfortable, "What do I do?" I ask uncertainly. _

_He lets out a small smile, "Sam Nicholls surely even you know how to comfort a child, or do you carry absolutely no emotional baggage at all?" This earns him a punch on the arm as I walk towards the door but he stops me, "Just tread carefully ok" he whispers those deep blue eyes looking down on me. I shrug him of and leave the staffroom._

_I find Ella in the toilets crying in a cubicle, I knock gently on the door, "Hi Ella, can I come in?" I ask softly. I wait awkwardly for a few seconds hoping that she will let me in. I hear the lock click so I gently push the door open, Ella is sitting on the floor her head against the wall, hugging her knees, her face is red and there are tears streaming down her face. She looks exhausted physically and emotionally, she looks up at me, and I see the pain in her eyes. Slowly I sit down next to her and put my arm around her. She leans into me sobbing so I pull her into a hug not entirely sure what to do. _

_"My life is a complete and utter mess" she sobs into my chest, "I can't do anything right I can't even talk to someone who's trying to help without completely messing it up. I am such a failure." _

_I rub her back in a circular motion trying to work out what to say. "Your life's not a mess it's just not 100% normal" I pause, "Sorry I'm not very good at this sort of thing. You may not have had a perfect life but that doesn't mean it's not a mess does it? Think about you were happy weren't you and you had someone who looked after you. Lots of people don't have that so although it may not seem like it your life hasn't been that bad. And you don't mess everything up see you chose to tell me the truth and your life is going to improve now so you must have done something right" as I finish talking she looks up at me her eyes red and swollen._

_Ella wipes her eyes and whispers "thank you" I just smile down at her and squeeze he shoulders and we just sit awhile, in a comfortable smile the 13 year old just leaning on me. _

_She looks exhausted and is starting to fall asleep when I feel my legs start to cramp up. Slowly I shake her shoulders, rousing her from her nap. "Come on Ella, I think you should get some sleep". I walk with her back to her bed and sit on the edge stroking her hair as she drops off. Sighing I walk out of the cubicle and into the staffroom, I find myself curling up into a ball on the sofa. I can't help but feel she is still hiding something, and that although she has opened up to me she has closed herself up again. Why can't she just trust me? Why can't she just tell me how she feels? Why is it so hard to get her to open up? And why is this so difficult for me? I don't know what to think anymore, about Ella, about myself and just about life in general._

_I am interrupted from my thoughts by a knock at the door. I look to see who it is, and see Tom standing there with a woman I don't recognise. "Sam this is Sally, she's Ella's social worker" he says as he opens the door. I stand up to greet her as Tom leaves the room. _

_"Hello I'm Sam I'm Ella's doctor" is say as I show her the sofa. "So what happens next?" I ask._

_"We are currently looking for a non-permanent emergency foster placement for her; because due to her situation we don't think she will do well in a care home. After that she will have the choice of finding a new permanent foster place for her or she could stay with the original family she goes to live with." Sally explains to me, "Is there anything else I should know?"_

_"Well Ella does suffer from a few trust issues as in she finds it hard to find someone she will confide in" I reply. I bit my lip, as Sally makes some notes, unsure of what to do as my heart is telling me one thing whereas my head is telling me another. "If I wanted to foster Ella what would I have to do?" I blurt out, kind of surprising myself as well as Sally. "It's just that she trusts me and confided in me and I feel slightly responsible for her." I continue._

_Sally looks at me seriously before saying, "Well if you're sure then there are a number of steps that would need to take place and it could take a couple of weeks but apart from that I think that this might be a good idea because she knows you. I don't see a problem with it, we would need to do a few background checks but I can take care of that." I smile relaxed, wondering what made me say that but also glad that I did. "Don't tell her yet until we are certain" Sally warns me as I lead her out of the staffroom and towards CDU. I nod and that's when I hear her scream._


	12. Chapter 12

I am half asleep when someone walks into my cubicle, I don't really take much notice as nurses walk in all the time to check certain things. But then he turns and looks straight at me, and I immediately recognise those grey eyes now filled with twice as much hate and anger. I forget everything I have done to hide my fear and try let out a scream. He puts his hand over my mouth, silencing me as he slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a 6inch knife which he slowly drags along my cheek with the flat edge. He is taunting me, playing with me like a cat with a mouse. I try to keep breathing steadily but as a grin breaks out on his face, I suddenly feel sick to my stomach.

"You know that I've been released on bail don't you?" he says slyly. "Apparently the only other witness wasn't sure what she saw and I could have easily slipped". I notice the sarcasm in his voice as he laughs a sick and evil laugh that sends a shiver down my spine. "So I thought I would pay you a visit so that you know I could say sorry" I can always tell when he is lying. All I want to do is punch him, but I don't dare. He has a knife in his hand I can be all but certain that he has a gun on him so that he can make sure he finishes the job. His sick mind is stopping him from attacking because he feels the need to cause me as much pain as possible, he wants me to suffer. I watch as he circles my heart with the point of the knife, the cold metal just gently running over the thin material of the hospital gown. He pushes my hair back from my face and stress into my eyes; I can't look away from the eyes which seem to pierce my soul. Slowly, he removes his hand from over my mouth and I exhale panicking, still not quite sure what to. He starts to pinch my arms and legs, he starts of soft but then he pinches harder and harder until I am sure that he will cause bruising. I squirm at his touch and the pain he is causing me and he grins at the sight of me squirming. I watch cautiously, as he reaches inside his jacket and pulls out a small gun. Keeping his eyes locked into mine and a grin on his face he brings the gun to my forehead and rests it above my nose behind my eyes. I choose that moment to scream. He screams in anger and hits me on the side of the head with the gun. I can feel a warm liquid dripping down my face and I begin to feel dizzy. I see the curtain open and I can make out Sam run in to try and stop her but he attacks her with his knife. Sam sits on the floor looking weak and vulnerable with a huge gash up her arm.

He turns back to me," I hate you both you and your mother are b******", he swings and plunges the knife into my upper left abdomen. I gasp in pain and shock because I didn't expect him to hurt me again. I feel dizzy probably due to lose of blood, and I can just make out the sounds of security running through CDU. He lets out one more laugh, sounding crazy and demented just like a mad person you see on TV. Security walks slowly towards him and raise their arms as if to try and take the gun from him. He blows me on last kiss, waves and pulls the trigger. I hear 3 loud noises and several screams. But I don't register any pain I just hear my breath quickening and I notice that room and started spinning and that I feel sick. I look down and see the red liquid spreading across the sheets and a tear slips down my face. I try to wipe it away but I can't seem to move my limbs they feel heavy as do my eyelids. My eyes beginning to close and I suddenly feel exhausted. I blink when I hear a voice and I'm suddenly aware that Sam is next to me saying something inaudible to me as I feel myself sway. I close my eyes and murmur, "I'm sorry" I black out.

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**Hi again, I've decided im going to focus on longer weekly updates rather than short every other daily ones. Please review if you are not to busy watching Casualty! :-)**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hi guys, sorry its been so long since I've updated. I have just had some writers block and an immense amount to homework. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed.**

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About a week later, I finally wake up. My head is absolute agony and I ache all over. Sam sits by the side of my bed, looking as though she hasn't slept in days, with her arm all bandaged up. Tom walks into to check on me; since Sam was injured he had to take over as my doctor. "Are you in any pain?" I nod and he walks off, hopefully in search of some pain relief.

I turn to Sam, and I see the bags under her eyes and the look of pure exhaustion on her face. It looks as though she hasn't left my side apart to get her arm seen to. "I'm so sorry Sam, I never meant for anyone else to get hurt. I knew I shouldn't have told anyone. He told me what would happen and I chose to ignore it. He hurt me, but that doesn't matter, he hurt you and I should have stopped him. I should have left when I had the chance. Or I should have listened. In fact I should never have come here at all." I say all of this my voice thick with tears, so much so that I can only just choke out the last sentence. I try to wipe away my tears but they just keep on falling. I feel so weak. I never cry but now I just can stop.

Sam stands up and pulls me into a hug with one arm. She is crying as well. A few tears slowly dripping down her pale face. Sam rubs my back and slowly murmur, "it wasn't your fault, he hurt us both, you more than me. But it was his choice not yours. It is not your fault, I can tell that we are both tough and that something small like this isn't going to affect either of us. The security should have stopped him, so if you're looking for someone to blame, blame them for letting him, hurt us." She gives me a half smile as if to ok it with me.

I slowly nod and lie back, feeling a bit happier than I have in a while. I sit up and wipe away my tears as Tom walks in because even after everything happens I do not want to be seen crying. Toms pulls up a stool and has a very serious look on his face. Immediately I am filled with dread, I know that this can't be good news.

"Right Ella" he says slowly, Sam takes hold of my hand. "You were shot 3 times, once in your left shoulder, we have left that one in as it is right next to the auxiliary vein that runs down your arm and if we were to touch that in any way, you could lose your arm. Another bullet has become embedded within your lung and again we haven't removed that for fear of damaging the lung tissue. If it moves or restricts for breathing in any way we will remove. The final bullet perforated your stomach so we had to remove that and stitch up your means that you will have to stay here a while so that we can monitor you."

He finishes and looks over at Sam who is chewing her lip and looks a little surprised. I sigh a little overwhelmed, I heard all of that information but I'm still filtering it all in. I feel out of my depth, I feel as though I need someone to hear this for me and just tell me the child version. But it's just me and it has been for so long, I should be used to it I suppose but there is still a part of me that wishes for someone to look after me. Sam gets up and walks back and forth.

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_Sam's POV_

_I slowly run my fingers through my hair, it hardly seems right that I get away with a small cut on my arm while she nearly died, but she can act as though nothing has happened at all. I don't understand how she can be quite so unaffected. If everyone thought I was made of steel, then she must be made of diamond. I don't see how she could ever be a child, if you just look at her she looks as though she has lived her whole life. As if she's always been who she wants, but then you can also see how alone she is. She just looks so alone and untrusting, she has gone back inside the shell she keeps. She hardly ever opens it, and that's the only time you see that she is a child. I just wish she would open up more; all she ever does is keep herself closed. I get up leave, I don't know what to think or do. I make my way to the staffroom, all I want to do is scream, I mean I don't know what to do this is affecting me beyond any expectation I had before about treating a patient. I turn around and punch a locker before falling to my knees. What am I doing? 5 years in the army and all I can do is let my feelings get the better of me. I should be out there with her, after all I have no idea what is going through her head. Or what exactly she has been put through for all these years. How am I supposed to help someone when I can't even help myself?_

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**Please review. Especially with any ideas as I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this. Can i just say that I cant wait til casualty next week, it looks soooooo good. :-)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hello again, sorry that I've been so slow updating, its just that I had writers block and was extremely busy. Anyway please enjoy.**

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A few weeks later, I'm sitting in bed with the hope of being discharged soon when Sam walks in with a lady I don't recognise. Sam has been the only person who has been truly there for me all the way through this. Even though she isn't my doctor anymore, she still visits me every day. She talks to me and unlike the other doctors and nurses in this ward; she tells me things as they are. Sam takes a seat on a stool next to my bed. She gives me a weak smile as though she is deep in thought.

"Hello Ella, I'm Sally and I'm your social worker" the stranger says in a sickly sweet voice; the kind of voice you use on scared little kids. "Now as I'm sure you're aware you are going to be discharged soon which means that you are going to need somewhere to live. Now for that you've got 2 choices both of which I will explain later. Before we do anything else one thing we do need to sort out is a little test just to see how clever you are."

"What you think just because I've not really been to school, I don't know anything" I say to her, feeling horrified at the fact that they think I'm stupid whereas to be honest I probably know more than most people my age.

"No, no, we don't mean that it's just that we need to find a school place for you." She says to try and reassure me but I don't believe her for a second. I realise that life is exactly the soap operas I would occasionally see, everyone is judgemental. If you haven't lived a normal life then you are not normal. Great, well if my life is anything to go by what does that make me.

"Um, right then let's get back to living arrangements, we've decided that you definitely need to go to somewhere permanent just so that you will have a stable home." She says and looks at me as if to make sure I understand. I glare back at her as if to say I'm not a little kid so you don't need to treat me like one. "the first option is Mr and Mrs White, nice little family who live in Devon who have had previous experience in fostering but have decided that they would like someone more permanent." She hands me a piece of paper with some information on it. I take a look at the picture of the family, they appear to be in their late forties, early fifties and they have a young daughter. Mr white is a plump man with greying brown hair that appears to be thinning, he's standing with his arm around his wife, who is thin with blond hair pulled back tight and she looks obviously fashion conscious but also quite caring. Their daughter looks around 6/7 and is grinning widely at the camera clutching a toy elephant. They look like the perfect family and I would probably ruin the image, because I don't think I could stand there and smile with them without looking at of place. I look back up at Sally, who pushes her glasses up her nose and clears her throat. Sam gets up and leaves the room which confuses me but I just tell myself to focus on one thing at a time. "The other option is to stay in Holby, with Dr Nicholls." She says and I just look at her shocked. I mean I know Sam and I would kind of see myself as one of her friends but I would never have expected her to want to foster me. I find myself slightly overwhelmed. Sally nods slowly in my direction and just says, "I'll come speak to you later when you've made a decision." I sit there confuse, knowing I need to make a decision but having no idea which is the right option to choose. I realise that I need some air so I pick up my clothes that are always next to my bed. I sneak out of the hospital and find myself sitting on the grass in the spring sunshine. As my options swirl through my head, I realise how complicated life actually is and how much easier my life was before. I stand up and start walking, making my way to the place I thought I would never return to.

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**So where do you think she's gone? Please review and I will try to update again within a week :-)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hi again. Sorry its taken so long to update this story I've just been really busy. Please review. :-)**

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I knock on the door, and pull my top down slightly and taking my hair out to look more attractive just like I've been taught. A few seconds later, one of his closest friends opens the door, and looks at me before raising his eyebrows slightly. "No one expected to see you hear again" he says slowly, still chewing on gum, "especially after what you did to him. He's in jail now, you know, pretty much life, thanks to you. So where are the coppers then? Come to put a stop to his little business as well." By the time he's finished talking, he is practically shouting at me. "There are no police" I tell him confidently. He just raises his eyebrows again and looks like he doesn't believe but as I keep my eyes on him; I think he starts to believe me. "Couldn't handle it then! Real life it's not what it seems is it" He says his face stretching into a slight grin. "No there are too many stressful decisions" I reply indifferently. "Welcome home!" he says sarcastically as I walk through the door.

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SAMS POV

"Tom! Tom! Have you seen Ella" I shout at him as I run down the corridor. "No why?" he replies looking slightly confused. I take a deep breath before saying quickly, "she's gone missing Tom. I think she got too stressed and went back there Tom". He looks at me and holds my shoulder so that he can look me in the eye, "Gone where?" "Back to where she came from" I say before I burst into tears and Tom pulls me into a hug.

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**One last thing, does anyone else always looks inside ambulances in the hope of seeing Jeff and Dixie? Because I do and my friends think its strange.**


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